Friday, March 23, 2012

Do You See Me?

The other day I saw this lovely little butterfly flitting all around happily enjoying the spring weather. He would pause on a branch long enough to allow me enough time to set up a nice photograph, then happily set of flying again.

I love how his bright orange wings stand out against the rough grey bark and evergreen background. The contrast is striking, making no mistake about who or what the focal point is.

Lately I have felt a bit unseen and misunderstood. I guess I'm just still trying to find my place, and figure out what direction the Lord wants me to go. I'm doing good things and progressing, just not necessarily in the ways I thought I would be.

For some reason many people have recently decided that it's quite okay to inquire about our lack of children. It's so hard for me to know what to say and how to react politely to such personal inquiries. "Have you guys ever thought about having children?" How long have you been married?" "How old are you anyways?" "By the time I was thirty I had six children." and so on...

I could write a good long post about how deeply those questions hurt, but for right now I'm choosing to keep those thoughts and feelings private. I'll just say this... Like a caterpillar knows it was born to be a butterfly, I know what I was born to be... and I'm doing my best to reach my potential within God's timing. I wish they could see that.



Jenee said...

I'm so sorry. You two are always in my prayers. I had that same experience just this morning. I thought with time it wouldn't be so painful, but I've learned it's good and healthy to FEEL all our emotions when they come and then move forward with Heavenly Father's help and through the Savior's atonement. (easier said than done. for sure.)

I know you two will be blessed with a beautiful family. Heavenly Father KNOWS how much you want that and He's not forgotten you.

Love you!

Stephanie said...

One thing I love about the Church is the sense of community and closeness, of unity in faith. By the same token, one thing that really bugs me about some people in the Church is that they take this sense of community and closeness to mean they are allowed to make such personal inquiries. It's so hard not to be rude when they do this!

When we first moved to PTC last summer, the first question people asked us was "Do you have a golf cart?" The second question was "Do you have kids?" As if that was anyone's business but the Lord’s and ours! *sigh*

Like you and Jeneee mentioned, I keep hoping this question (kids, not golf cart) will hurt less, but that's not always the case. In fact, it sometimes seems like the more time that passes, the harder it becomes. When people do ask, it's often a challenge to smile, politely, and give a response that doesn't include lots of angry words and tears.

Thank goodness for those moments of private communication with my Heavenly Father when I can pour out my fears and desires without feeling like I'm being judged. He listens and He knows what I want and what I will be given. How I wish I knew WHEN these things would come to pass, but maybe my test is to be patient and keep living worthy of the privileges. Sometimes these feel like nothing more than brave words, a Band-Aid on a big “OUCH,” but the alternative – to be angry all the time and leave an open wound for inconsiderate people to pour more salt into as they ask rude questions – isn’t too appealing to me either.

Know that I love you, LJ, and that I wish with all my heart that I had a quick and painless answer to all of these questions. It’s not always easy, but I really do believe in the scriptural promise that “after great tribulation come the blessings.” You and I, and lots of other amazing people, are being tested in some unbelievably difficult ways right now, but this means that we must all be in store for some pretty AMAZING blessings!

Love you!!

Whitney said...

I'm so sorry friend. The hurt you are experiencing is familiar to my heart as well.

You are such a wonderful example to me of faith and perseverance!

After we experienced our failed placement, Spencer and I took a road trip and had lots of good time to talk and reflect. In a moment of weakness I asked Spencer if other people knew what it was like to have life go so unaccording to plan, or if we were just lucky. It seemed at the time like those close to us were moving forward with their lives, while we still stood waiting. Spencer kindly responded, "Maybe you should ask your dear friend Lynley about that."

It was a very humbling moment for me. You are so patient with all of the health struggles and emotional struggles you have had to fight through. Ever cheerful. Ever focused on others.

I wish I could shield you from all of those unkind questions. I do know that what you are experiencing has given you a special kind of empathy that few others are able to offer. You are so amazing my friend! I simply love you!

Lynley Jill said...

Thank you Jenee, Steph, and Whitney! I look up to and appreciate each of you so much. You are all my examples. Thank you all for understanding and supporting me so perfectly. Good things await all of us--I am certain of that:) Love you all.

Now if I can just make it through church tomorrow without any comments/breakdowns;)


mrs.d said...

Oh sakes...WHY do people ask those questions?? Talk about opening a can of worms that is NONE of their business! Doesn't matter how well meaning, the question just shouldn't be asked. The ability & timing of such things is a personal, sacred matter of the heart. My heart aches for those who desire & would guard the blessing of bearing children with beauty & respect, and yet, for now, are not able. Meanwhile, I'll pray that you will be able to have strength to bear the trial. Steph's right...amazing blessings await you! You have developed a beautiful empathy for others as a result of all you have lived through. xoxo

Ali said...

oh people. they have no tact. I can't go anywhere with sarah without having people giving me dirty looks and even occasionally asking pointedly "is that YOUR baby?" The worst is when I tell that she isn't and they make it known that that's good because i am "way to young to have a baby." well yeah... but what if she was mine? why is it their business anyway? sillys. people are ridiculous. :) love you lynley :)